Graded in... chickens!

Clash has booked countless artists in to take charge of our regular singles column.

Over the years, we've had all manner of responses. Some decide to keep their powder dry, to answer in political, don't-want-to-offend style.

Some give their contemporaries a slating, deciding to simply state their opinion and flee for the hills.

FEMME has a unique approach: “I’m going to score these out of chickens because it seems wildly inappropriate.”

Let's go.

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Dinosaur Pile Up - '11:11' 

Mmmmm. Good job that guitar riff is alright because take that out and there really isn’t much left is there? I'm going to set this as my alarm clock everyday at 11:11am. By the end of the song it seemed like that is what they wanted us all to do. This is some kind of weird rock indoctrination I’m sure of it. I like it. 5 chickens.

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Ella Eyre - 'Together'

You had me at verse one. You really had me at that catchy little 'we are we are' pre-chorus (very nice). But then the faux-drum and bass-cum-jungle-cum-pop break drops with a belted ad lib vocal and repeated riff trying to distract from the fact you just couldn't be arsed to write a chorus that day and I’m out. I really like Ella Eyre and I think she has an excellent voice but this writing is a bit lazy for me. I am looking forward hearing what she does next. 4 chickens.

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Jean-Michel Jarre x M83 - 'Glory'

Errrrr… nice intro. Fried chickens.

- - -

Laura Marling - 'Gurdjieff's Daughter'

Great song. Weird little vocal twang she’s putting in these days but whatever, she’s Laura Marling and I love her. She seems confident, happy and proud with this new material and you can’t argue when you see that in any artist, whether you like the music or not. It’s a strange and awkward video too so that’s just fine by me. 7 chickens.

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Sia - 'Big Girls Cry'

The Sia Ballad. She doesn’t strike me as particularly upbeat cat and I find that quite hard to connect with after a while because she wakes up every morning, rolls out of her bed (water bed I’m sure of it) probably eats half an avocado, drinks a pint of coconut water and makes music for a living- gotta be able to squeeze a happy tune out somewhere, no?

Regardless of my personal hang-ups with Sad Sia, she writes great lyrics in the increasingly grey landscape of mainstream pop and that deserves to be applauded. 7 chickens.

- - -

Walk The Moon - 'Shut Up And Dance'

The lead singer of this band came and studied at Goldsmiths with me for one term - he knew how to write a melody back then and clearly still does now. Ignore the mullet for a second… without a doubt this dude knows how to craft a pop song.

This song packs more cheese than a Lidl Quattro Fromaggi but it tastes pretty good. (I’m not lying those Lidl frozen pizzas are actually a very well kept secret). I’m a pop head and I love cheese (and mullets). 8 chickens.

- - -

Zedd ft. Selena Gomez - 'I Want You To Know'

Turn it off. I’m never getting those 4 minutes back – f*ck you Clash.

[Clash - *ahem*]

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